It’s all just so much worse once you know what’s happening and you’re powerless to stop it. I can see the steps of the cycle and I can’t not keep form.
I’ve got the family I’ve got by default.
I’ve made the friends I’ve made by default. Been adopted, more like. All my life. So, really - just have been gifted with kindhearted souls that are willing to deal with me on a regular basis.
And I have ended up like this by default. Some sort of crazy half-wit that used to be something, once upon a time.
I don’t really get what good can possibly come next. And all of these admissions to no one are sort of tearworthy, I guess.
But what use is crying?
I’m sort of nothing when everything I amount to is sort of spread out all over the place or dead or whatever. And that’s not going to change.
But people allowing me things by default - that’s certainly going to change. Already has. And I fucked up in school because well - I wasn’t ready for it to. I needed some kindhearted person to see me and go "oh, this poor fuck" and take me in and show me grace or pity and make me feel like something.
I’m as pitiful as can fucking be. I really am.
And I’m crying anyway. Ugh. Fuck all.